


'til heaven rips the stars from his coat

by TaylorMay1912



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Dean Winchester Character Study, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Needs to Use Actual Words, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Poem: Touch The Air Softly, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Season/Series 04, Season/Series 05, Season/Series 06, Season/Series 08, Season/Series 09, Season/Series 10, Season/Series 11, Season/Series 12, Season/Series 13, Season/Series 14, Season/Series 15, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, Snapshots, Stargazing, The Empty (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:47:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28044159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaylorMay1912/pseuds/TaylorMay1912
Summary: Dean and Cas take moments throughout their friendship to observe the stars.Inspired by the poem 'Now Touch The Air Softly' by William Jay Smith. It's a long-time favourite of mine.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 34





	'til heaven rips the stars from his coat

The first time, it was almost accidental.

Dean didn’t seek out the stars. They were all around him up above, outside Bobby’s house. He _had_ to look up at the stars because Castiel was doing that _thing_ again. Standing close, staring hard, stripping him down to his soul.

“So, what? I’ve just gotta, _wait_ until they call on me?” He pulled his arms across his chest, trying to bury his heart just a little deeper.

“If you’d like, I could be the one to call on you,” Cas spoke easily like he hadn’t been a dick to him a mere few moments ago. “You seem to...” He went quiet, pulling his mouth shut. Dean raised an eyebrow.

“Well, yeah, ‘course I like you better, man. Usually. You’ve been a bit of a prick ever since you took back Jimmy. How’s he doing, anyway?” Part of him was trying to fill the tension with a distraction, but part of him was genuinely curious. “He said it was like being chained to a comet,”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” There was the smallest of smiles tucked in the far corners of Castiel’s lips, and it softened Dean some. “Jimmy is well. He’s not as passive as I once had him. He...he wants to tell you he truly does appreciate what you’re doing,”

“Oh, so Jimmy agrees with you that I should sacrifice my free will to bow down to you asshats?” He rolled his eyes.

“ _Dean_ -“

“Yeah, yeah, I know, I swear to follow His will and all that. Doesn’t mean I have to like the others. You’re alright, though. I’ll try to listen to you,” He tilted his head up, staring at the stars. They were twinkling on the black velvet of night, white and blue and yellow. There was one specific star that caught Dean’s attention, shining a familiar blue. “Only you.” He didn’t mean for the words to slip out with his sigh, but of course, Cas heard him.

“That’s all I ask, Dean,” His voice was...softer, like before Heaven took him back. Dean snuck a look at the angel. He was looking up at the stars with him. “It’s a lovely sight.” There was a fond look on Castiel’s face, and Dean found himself taking a mental snapshot of this moment. He wasn’t quite sure why, but there was something profound in the energy surrounding the two of them. Peace.

********

The second time, Dean didn’t ask for Cas to join him. The angel stood by his side, as he had for a while now, ever since they kick-started the apocalypse. Tonight was different. Instead of Sam struggling with his addiction, his brother was still off pretending he had nothing to do with hunting. Zachariah had thrown Dean into an axis-spinning version of the future and thought he had Dean within his snare. Castiel had yanked him away from the pious angel, and Dean had found himself never being more thankful for Cas’ call earlier in the night.

“Don’t ever change,” He considered the angel warmly. Cas’ eyes sparkled as he smiled, and it reminded Dean of the stars above them. He looked up, and sure enough, Cas had drawn the stars into his blue eyes. He must’ve. That’s the only logical explanation.

“I don’t plan on it, Dean,” Cas was speaking softly again, just like he had that first night they watched the stars together. It tugged at the iron vines grown over Dean’s heart, which startled the hunter.

“Good.” The word came out gruff, but he knew Cas understood him if the smile on his lips meant anything. Dean liked that smile. It was cautious but warm. He’d never seen Cas smile like that for anybody else. He thinks. One of the vines on his heart constricted somewhere near an artery as he considered watching Cas smile for anybody else. He drew his eyes up to the stars again. It hadn’t occurred to Dean his hand was still clasped on Cas’ shoulder until he looked up. His fingers twitched against the canvas of the trench coat. He heard Cas breathe out a sigh. Angels don’t need to breathe, right? Why was he―

“The stars looked different in South Dakota,” Dean shut his eyes, recognising that soft, soothing tone. The memory of that night replayed in his head, the tape in his head running smoothly even though he’s watched it a thousand times over already. “No less beautiful, though.” A gentle touch cascaded over the hand he had on Cas’ shoulder. An ache snaked itself from within him. Curious.

********

The third time was painfully different. There was a distance between them. Dean longed to reach out and hold the angel, but everything between was shipwrecked. Anger swarmed his head as he looked at Castiel, but his forlorn gaze almost gave Dean pause.

“I always come when you call,” Cas repeated in a low whisper, begging. “Isn’t that enough for you?”

“That depends,” A bitter crack hit Dean’s throat. “Seems like we aren’t enough for you,” Of course, he meant the rest of them, too. Sam and Bobby, alongside him. But the intention didn’t shine through. Dean knew it, and he knows Cas could hear it too. _He_ wasn’t enough for Cas. That feeling cut him to the bone.

“Dean, you know that’s not true. I’m doing this _for_ you, _because_ of you,” There was a fierce burning all over the angel’s face. Dean could feel his fearful tears creep, so he tilted his head back. There was a break in the building, and he could see the night sky above. Despite everything, he huffed out a laugh. Of course, clouds were covering the stars Dean and Cas bonded over. “Please understand me.”

“You don’t need me anymore, so why should I try to understand?” A pang of regret hit his heart as the words came out. He shut his eyes as he heard the tell-tale sign of wings taking flight. He was alone again. Desolate.

********

It’d been more than a year since Cas’ betrayal, and yet, even in Purgatory, Dean could tell the angel nursed scars from the betrayal. Just like him.

“You should try to sleep, Dean,” He murmured. Dean snorted.

“Sure thing. Just gonna conk out while there’s a whole swarm of leviathans and vamps just waiting to jump us. Good plan, buddy,” But he was _so_ tired. Until they had found Cas, Dean didn’t realise he was running on adrenaline until he wrapped his arms around Cas for the first time in _months_. The lethargy had punched him in the gut, and Castiel could tell.

“Benny’s done enough to protect you this far. He’ll surely be able to keep that up for a bit longer. Just an hour, Dean, then we’ll continue,” He turned to give Dean that gentle smile, tugging at the strings of his heart. His steel vines had melted away when he got Cas back from his amnesia, so all that was left to be wrecked was his heart itself. “I’ll watch over you.” Another blow to the muscle, another pull on the strings. Pretty soon, his heart was going to overflow with... _feelings_ , and that’s something he’d always told he shouldn’t have. Not for Cas. Not for someone so much better than him. He tilted his head towards the sky. The stars were different in Purgatory, closer somehow. Dean didn’t understand the logistics of having a sky at all in a wretched place like this. But there were stars, and that was enough. It was always enough.

“Alright, Cas.” He murmured, watching the shimmering lights. He swore all the stars were blue tonight. This was pure. He was free here where he couldn’t be back home. Perhaps that’s why he felt comfortable resting his head on Cas’ shoulder, felt comfortable admitting to himself he had fallen for the fallen angel. It must’ve happened slowly, but surely, he was inexplicably _lost_ on Castiel. The unspeakable pull between them led Cas to wrap his arm around Dean’s shoulders, and the hunter shuddered.

Together they watched the stars, and Dean realised he could say it. Just breathe the words, to let Cas know. His eyes started to grow heavy, so he did the next best thing. He breathed his love for the angel to the stars. Dean swore he saw some of the blue stars shimmer brighter afterwards, lighting up the sky. Pure.

********

The one time Dean almost succumbed to his emotions was when he and Cas were on equal footing. Together they shared a breath, and Dean wanted to close the gap between them because he _could_ now. The voices denying him were silenced by Cas’ sudden humanity, but he still kept a fragile wall between them. He _still_ didn’t deserve Cas, and he knew his friend didn’t deserve to be treated wrongly, by him or by anybody. Dean was going to desert him, and that was going to be hard enough as friends. If he let that final restraint snap, the goodbye would be all the more devastating.

So instead, he pulled Cas in for a hug. Ever the same motions. Together they looked up at the sky, arms still around each other, and Dean could swear the same blue stars from Purgatory echoed his love back to him. But he was no longer in Purgatory, this was home, yet the stars glistened that same damn blue. Dean held back tears as he pulled away from Castiel. Desire.

********

Even as a demon, even with his soul twisted and rotted beyond belief by the Mark, Dean still took the time to look at the stars. He always had a brief moment, a _glimpse_ of humanity in his eyes, as he watched the stars sparkle after wasting another one of Abaddon’s goons. But he shrugged it off and stalked back into the bar to drown his emptiness again. Hollow.

********

Lucifer nearly took him. He nearly destroyed his best friend. Yet, Dean felt more guilty about the Amara situation than anything. That isn’t _love_. That is only _obsession_. He knows the difference. Cas was the reason he knew the difference. He couldn’t help but wonder if Lucifer told Cas about when he was supposed to be under Amara’s thrall. As he made sure his friend was okay, he grabbed a large blanket and wordlessly gestured for Cas to join him outside the Bunker.

The air was brisk, but the night was bright. Lebanon was far away enough from the hustle and bustle of the big city to afford them a clear view of the stars in the sky. A shiver ran through him unbidden, and he saw Cas’ hand twitch.

“C’mere,” He murmured, wrapping the blanket over his right shoulder and pulling it out with his left arm. Cas stared incredulously before letting himself be wrapped into Dean’s arm and the blanket. Warmth flooded his body instantly. “Jesus, you’re like a space heater,”

“Sorry, I’ll-“

“Stay.” He barely breathed the word, but Cas caught it. _Of course he did_.

“Okay.” They looked up at the sky. Dean felt a heavy weight slip off his chest. He’s got his best friend by his side, even though that title wasn’t apt for Castiel. He felt like... _more_. This was hardly the first time he realised that, but this time, it settled deep into his bones. The situation with Amara confirmed it. Castiel meant so much, almost _too much_ to him. Everybody knows it. For all his life, his enemies knew Sam was his Achilles’ heel, but since Cas, _everybody_ knows: the angel was the pressure point aimed directly at his heart. A type of electric shock thrummed through his body, too strong to be static, too subtle to be lightning. Epiphany.

********

He couldn’t stand. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t speak. All he could see, hear, feel was _Cas_. Everything was Castiel. Dean tipped his head to the stars above and felt a fury rush through him. How _dare_ the night sky be full of glistening stars when his only light had gone out? How _dare_ they defy his faith in everything? The stars must be on Lucifer’s side, he thought, as he sobbed his heart out. Broken.

********

He was obnoxiously happy, and he could tell Sam knew it. Dean told Sam getting Cas back was their big win, and he wasn’t lying. But he couldn’t tell Cas how _desperate_ he’d been, praying to a god who didn’t care about him to bring back his friend, his angel, his heart. He was only half alive, and he watched himself burn on that pyre with Castiel that dreaded day. The only reason he didn’t throw himself into the fire was Sam.

He pretended to be asleep until he knew Jack passed out on the bed. Once he heard the kid’s soft snores echoing Sam’s louder ones, he sat up. Two shining blue eyes met his like spotlights. Dean couldn’t fight the grin on his face as he glanced towards the door, then back to the angel. That damn smile. His heart was completely in ruins because of that smile, but he was okay with that. The ruins were overgrown with ivy and beautiful art that all screamed ‘ _Castiel_ ’.

The sky outside was in soft muted violets and sapphires, but the stars were making the darkness look almost dusky. The silence surrounding them was only broken by the cars along the highway a short walk from the hotel. Dean headed towards the poor excuse for a park opposite the hotel. Truly, it was more of a barren lot with sparse trees, but there was a park bench, and he perched himself gently on it. Cas took his spot next to him, and it set off a glow deep within Dean. This felt _right_. Cas was back where he belonged, by Dean’s side, like he always had been.

“Dean,” Cas whispered, aware of Dean’s marvelling stare. Dean raised his eyebrows with a soft smirk. “Look up at the stars.” Dean wanted to say he could see them reflected in Cas’ eyes, but that would’ve betrayed him too much. So he heeded Cas’ words, resting his hand palm up in the space between them. They sat and watched the stars glisten. Silence shone golden as Dean felt Cas’ fingers tentatively thread between his. Hope.

********

_‘You’re dead to me.’_ The words burned his tongue as they slipped out. Dean could hear the shatter of Cas’ heart as it felt to the floor. He wanted to take them back, wanted to hold Cas tight to his chest, wanted to say he told a lie. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. The iron vines draped themselves over Dean’s heart, sewing his lips shut. He snapped his gaze away from those eyes, once so filled with stars.

Even if the sky outside as he stomped to the Impala were full of the brightest stars, Dean kept his head down. He told himself his anger was justified. It was. He was right. Ultimately, it came down to Castiel. _Didn’t it always_? The snide thought crept in before he could lock it away.

Time passed, as it does, and Dean had found himself back in Purgatory, feeling a panic bubbling in his chest. He’d let himself get jumped, let himself be led astray, and now they were running out of time and he can’t find Cas. He can’t find Cas. He can’t find Cas. As he fell to his knees and prayed, he felt as if Cas was right there beside him. Tears spilled from his eyes. Purgatory truly did bring out his emotions. He couldn’t see his stars, with the day flushing them away, but he knew they were there. Lost to him. But he knew they could hear him like he knew Cas could. Before he had the chance to tell Castiel what he told the stars all those years ago, the angel reminded him of the mission. Of course. No time to lose.

_‘You know, ever since we met_ _―ever since I pulled you out of Hell― knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean. I love you.’_ Castiel’s words were alive in his head. Dean could feel them playing on a loop, like a stuck record. _I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you too._ That was all he had to say back. But he couldn’t. The words melted as they came up his throat.

He made demands, asking for Chuck to bring Cas back. The rage in his heart had made its mark on the world around him, and he would let it burn to get his angel back. Chuck didn’t do as he asked, but Jack heard him. Jack listened and he wanted to help. Their son opened up a doorway to The Empty for Dean.

Dean called out for Cas, being careful to toe the line between their reality and the hellish black hole in front of him. Jack had The Shadow restrained, forcing them back to sleep. Dean winced as he watched Jack struggle.

“Castiel!” Dean cupped his hands around his mouth, barely holding back from letting his feelings slip.

“Try...praying...” Jack’s voice came out strained from behind him. “Quickly...”

“Uh...okay,” He cleared his throat and shut his eyes. He hung his head and was hit with a rush of memories. Memories of late nights, stolen glances, brushed fingers...heavy breaths, shimmering stars, warm bodies...promises, whispers, smiles...his smile, his laugh, his eyes. The stars only ever shone brightly when Castiel was by his side. “Cas, I need you, sweetheart. Please, come ba-“ He felt his throat close up, but still he pushed on. “Come back. You don’t belong there, you belong here with us. With me. I love you,” His voice faltered. “I love you, Castiel. I love you.” The tears flowered up from his eyes and he felt their traces on his cheeks. He stared into the black abyss, straining his gaze for a flicker of a trench coat, a blue tie, a tuff of dark hair. There was nothing, and the hole sewed itself back up like a mess of black thread.

Dean fell to his knees. They failed. He should speak his appreciation for Jack’s attempt, but the flicker of life he had before was snuffed out. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t even lift his head. They were so close. He was _so close_ to being honest with himself, with Castiel, about his emotions for the first time. And now...

He rasped out a breath, watching his tears spilling onto the dusty floor of the barn they met in all those years ago. Pontiac, Illinois. Dean hadn’t set foot back in this barn since he first met Castiel in his vessel, but he’d travelled back here so many times in his dreams. Always, Castiel was here waiting for him in his head.

The barn had changed since that fateful day, September 18th. But here and now, the angel was nowhere to be found. He stared at the bare barn doors, where Cas stormed through twelve years ago. The wood was still splintered from Cas’ blast. There was a pitiful sound coming from all around Dean, like a wounded animal. It took him a moment to realise _he_ was making that noise. He felt gentle hands clasp his shoulders.

“I’m sorry, Jack. Thank you. Thank you for trying. It didn’t work. I didn’t try hard enough. I’m...I’m not enough to bring him back. I’m sorry.” He sobbed out, holding his face in his hands. The dam has broken, and there was no chance of Dean regaining his semblance of control anymore.

“You have always been enough, Dean Winchester.” _Castiel_. Dean choked on his breath as he wrenched his hands from his face. He scrambled to his feet and spun around. There he was, the same as he always had been. Windswept hair, backwards tie, trench coat dirtied by who knows what. Eyes full of stars. Dean’s tears cascaded yet again, but he was laughing. Trembling. Shaking. Cas pulled him in, and Dean collapsed. “I heard you. Do you mean it?”

“’Course I do, Cas. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t,” He murmured into Cas’ shoulder as he pressed his face into the collar. “I can say it again if you want. You deserve to hear it.” He pulled his head back. Castiel’s small smile burrowed itself into his heart. “I love you, Castiel. I’ve loved you for so long, I don’t know how else to be. I’ll love you until all the stars in the sky make their home in your eyes.” He brought his calloused hands to Cas’ cheeks and brought their foreheads together. They shared breath, they shared space, they shared stares.

“I love you too, Dean.” Castiel was crying again, and it hurt Dean to see it, but he knew this time it was a different type of crying. “I thought my confession was what true happiness felt like, and I’ll never regret that. But this. Right here, right now, this is it.” Dean smiled, and softly pressed his lips to Cas’. He agreed wholeheartedly. This truly was it. Happiness.


End file.
